[POP-UP SMUSH NEWSLETTER]. This is the newsletter where I explain to you how the last newsletter was funny, you philistines. The Smush Newsletter, August 29th, 2001, redux Contact: oskillator@hotmail.com Home: http://www.mindspring.com/~pfister_/smush/ INTRO ----- First of all, I must apologise for the delay in sending out the latest smush newsletter. Grief over the death of our good friend R.F. suddenly overcame me two weeks ago [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE R.F. ISN'T REALLY DEAD] and as a result, our new album was delayed [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE OUR NEW ALBUM HAS BEEN DELAYED REPEATEDLY FOR MONTHS]. Also, Rubbahead won a vacation to Hawaii [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE WHILST I WAS GRIEVING, RUBBAHEAD WAS WAVING HIS HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE HE JUST DON'T CARE] We're still writing music, but the new album will probably be delayed, because I'm too grief-stricken and Rubbahead is too exhausted from jet lag [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE HAWAII AND SAN DIEGO ARE IN THE SAME TIME ZONE] Also apparently one of the conditions of the vacation was that he spend twelve hours a day picking bananas [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S JUST LIKE REAL LIFE WHERE YOU WIN A FREE VACATION BUT ARE HIT BY ALL THESE CONDITIONS AND SHIT] That didn't really help, nor did the forty pounds of Leis that the native Hawaiians made him wear [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET TO HAWAII YOU'RE SWARMED BY HAWAIIANS PUTTING FLOWERS AROUND YOUR NECK] Luckily, a pair of Smush fans saw him sweating away and they smuggled him out of Hawaii ... he is now a fugitive from justice, but at least we know that there are actual Smush fans in the world [THIS IS NOT FUNNY, IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN AND WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW IF THERE ARE ACTUAL SMUSH FANS IN THE WORLD]. CLASSICS -------- These Smush songs have been around for a while, but they've aged like fine grapes, and are well worth listening to. MTJ - Rubbahead went through about a week in which he worshipped the band Less Than Jake. I don't know if he thinks they're cute or what -- they do have a certain Scooby-Doo appeal [THIS IS FUNNY BY ASSOCIATION WITH SCOOBY DOO] But their music reeks! I listened to a song by them, and what the hell, it was just ska! [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT IMPLIES THAT SKA IS BAD MUSIC] Ordinary, regular old ska music! Admittedly it did have that unusual accent on beats 2 and 4 that Rubbahead had never noticed in ska before, [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE SKA ALWAYS HAS AN ACCENT ON BEATS 2 AND 4. I'M TALKING TO YOU, RUBBAHEAD] but. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I ENDED A SENTENCE WITH A CONJUNCTION] I decided it all had to end, and so wrote a song that was worth more than all of More Than Jake's [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I CHANGED THE NAME OF THE BAND] entire catalog put together. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I'M IMPLYING THAT LESS THAN JAKE'S MUSIC SUCKS] It features the One True Time signature of 63/48, which is infinitely better than the awkward-sounding 4/4 that Less Than Jake can't seem to get away from. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE NEARLY ALL POP/ROCK MUSIC IS WRITTEN IN 4/4 TIME] In fact, I challenged Less Than Smush [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I CHANGED THE NAME OF THE BAND SO THAT YOU COULD TELL THAT SMUSH WAS BETTER] to write a song that would make their entire discography have more artistic value than MTJ, on the Rhode-Schwartz scale [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A RHODE-SCHWARTZ SCALE] but they have yet to respond. Pussies. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE LESS THAN JAKE IS FAMOUS AND DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT US. ALSO, I NEVER ACTUALLY SENT THE CHALLENGE TO THEM, I JUST PUT IT ON THE MP3.COM PAGE] SCT - This song was composed and recorded in a copper Room we had imported from Scotland quite a while ago. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE PEOPLE GET CANCER FROM COPPER ROOMS] Unfortunately, by the time it had made the trip overseas, it had already tarnished! [THIS IS FUNNY BY ASSOCIATION WITH THE STATUE OF LIBERTY] You can hear a definite "green" influence on this song. So that makes it kind of Irish [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE IRELAND IS A DESERT COUNTRY AND THERE IS NO GREEN TO BE FOUND] even though the song is about Scotland. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE SONG HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SCOTLAND] Unless you're a Protestant, in which case the copper tarnished to an orangish color [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE COPPER DOESN'T TARNISH TO YOUR CHOSEN RELIGION'S COLOR NO MATTER HOW STRONGLY YOU PRAY] that wouldn't trigger an offense of your moral, ethical, or religious sensibilities in any way whatsoever. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE PROTESTANTS HAVE NO MORAL OR ETHICAL SENSIBILITIES] We also made it a point to only allow Scotch people [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE SCOTCH PEOPLE HATE BEING CALLED SCOTCH PEOPLE] to set up patches on our synthesizers, which explains why some of the sounds are so thin: [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE SOME SOUNDS HAVE TO BE THIN SO THE MIX IS NOT OVERLOADED] all the good Scotch synth programmers went home in 1982 to fight the Scotch-European war! [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE THERE WAS NO SCOTCH-EUROPEAN WAR] FUM - I just rediscovered this sublime example of dadaist production techniques [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I HAD PLANNED ON WRITING ABOUT THIS SONG FOOR A LONG TIME] while grievously opening random mp3s on our hard drive. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I WASN'T REALLY GRIEVING] This is usually a fruitless task, because I usually open an mp3 encoding of one of tracks 7 through 97 of Nine Inch Nails' "Broken". [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I WOULD NOT HAVE BOTHERED ENCODING ALL THE EMPTY SONGS] This song, though... it's pure genius. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I'M BEING SO IMMODEST] The vocals and chime lines double and triple back on themselves like a Klein bottle, [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE A KLEIN BOTTLE IS FOUR-DIMENSIONAL, WHEREAS MUSIC IS ONE-DIMENSIONAL] and the Acid line adds a bizarre 80s sound, hearkening [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE HEARKENING IS A FUNNY WORD] back to the days when just about every techno track had a TB-303 style sound in it. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE EVERY TECHNO TRACK STILL DOES HAVE A TB-303 STYLE SOUND IN IT] The ending is possibly the most perfect of any piece of music under three minutes long that I've ever heard. Much less written. I rule. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE ENDING TO FUM IS FUNNY] YOU ARE THE PERFECT SLUG ------------------------ Development on the new album is proceeding at a rapid pace. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT CONTRADICTS WHAT I SAID BEFORE] Rubbahead is going to be doing the cover art next week. (HINT HINT, RUBBAHEAD). [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I'M CHIDING RUBBAHEAD IN A PUBLIC NEWSLETTER] And then it must be approved by the publisher. And that'll be all she wrote about that topic. LITTLE HEADS? ------------- Rubbahead called me up long distance to tell me about a relationship that he is developing with a sultry Hawaiian temptress. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE ALL HAWAIIANS ARE FAT] Rubba: I met this really cute girl last night. Lemon: Oh yeah? I spent the night grieving for our lost friend, R.F. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I'M PUBLICLY CHIDING RUBBAHEAD FOR NOT GRIEVING, WHEN I'M NOT REALLY GRIEVING MYSELF] Rubba: Yeah, too bad about him. Anyways, she's really cute. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE RUBBAHEAD DOESN'T REALLY FEEL BAD ABOUT HIM. HE JUST WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HIS FIND] She's 21, and she has this daughter, and she's also really cute. The daughter is cute too [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE RUBBAHEAD IS CHANGING THE ASSUMED MEANING OF THE PRONOUNS AFTER THE FACT] Lemon: I'm so drunk. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A NON-SEQUITUR. I ALSO NEVER DRINK] Rubba: But she told me last night that she doesn't like me in that way. Lemon: What way? Rubba: The way that would allow me to have sex with her. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S SO BLUNT] Lemon: Oh. Right, she's probably going to hook up with an alcoholic. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE ALL WOMEN LIKE ALCOHOLICS] Rubba: Ell Oh Ell. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE RUBBAHEAD COULD'VE JUST LAUGHED. YOU COULD TELL HE WASN'T REALLY LAUGHING] Lemon: And then call you to complain about her lousy boyfriend. Rubba: What lousy boyfriend? [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE RUBBAHEAD IS SO DUMB] Lemon: Women always go for alcoholics, because they apparently have a need to be hurt. I see it all the time. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE RUBBAHEAD ALWAYS HURTS HIS GIRLFRIENDS] Rubba: What lousy boyfriend? Lemon: The one she's going to hook up with. Rubba: Oh, are we still talking about that? [BLAH, BLAH, BLAH] Lemon: Yeah. Rubba: Anyways, she's really cute. And her daughter is cute too. Lemon: How old is the daughter? Rubba: She's four. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE WE'RE GOING OVER THE SAME INFORMATION AGAIN] Lemon: She's too young for you. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE PEDOPHILIA IS FUNNY] Rubba: What? Lemon: The daughter is too young for you. And the mom only likes alcoholics, so I guess you're screwed. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE HE'S REALLY NOT SCREWED] Rubba: Maybe I'll start drinking. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ONLY ATTRACTIVE GIRLS LIKE ALCOHOLICS. FAT HAWAIIAN GIRLS KICK ALCOHOLICS' ASSES] ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GO FONDA -------------------------------- And with that, we bid you Goodbye, Farewell, Auf Weiderschlager, Adieu. [THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I MISSPELLED WEIDERSHAOUEIDOAUEDHT] To you, and you, and you and you and you. [THIS IS FUNNY BY ASSOCIATION WITH 'THE SOUND OF MUSIC'] We hope to speak with your all again some day. Into the future, we point with arms outstretched, indulging in hyperbole of the worst kind as we roll down the primrose hill that leads to self-devastation. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE MISQUOTING SHAKESPEARE IS FUNNY] Great googly moogly. [THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE FRANK ZAPPA IS DEAD. AND SO ARE THE DAMN SAINTS]